Hut One, Hut Two...YIKE!

THIS JUST IN: The National Football League ordered fans to bend over and "grab your ankles." Sounds like a Party!

It seems some sophisticated, East Coast citizen was busted for 'packin a tazer at the Jets Game last week! Yup, now we all have to bend over!

Grabbing The TSA Playbook, the NFL is calling for "enhanced" patdowns of patrons prior to kickoff! WOW...The Titillating Titletown Police Force (as now directed by the NFL) must feel all fans - from the ankles on UP! This could cause some concern!

First of all: What, exactly, will the GBPD / Gropers & Grabbers Unit be looking for? Tazers? Guns? Those teeny, little fingernail knives the TSA confiscates? Unless the Bears are in town, we pretty much leave our guns and personal grooming devices at Home = for Home Defense. Unless 'da Bears - or Plaxico Burress is in town - rarely is it necessary to pack heat at the game. Up on the Tundra, if we're girding for a fight, we FIRST try to drink our opponents under the table. Then, we shoot 'em!

During Deer Season - we may, occasionally, have to head right to the game from our Deer Stand. Yes, we WILL have a gun (or bow 'n arrow) but generally, we don't bring it into the Game! We leave it on the rack, in the truck, in the parking lot - where it belongs!

Less Juice for Overtime
I don't get to every game, but I'm pretty sure my friends don't take their Tazers to the game. Some do, of course, but why bring a Tazer when your 45 is more effective? Sitting in the cold at Lambeau Field for a three-hour game (plus the extra hour(s) we now have to sit in the stands due to the new NFL/TSA policy), a Tazer's batteries will weaken and be less effective by the fourth quarter.

Still, even a weakened tazer can be useful when Personally Administered to combat the legendary cold of The Frozen Tundra = a good jolt between touchdowns gets the heart 'pumpin and the blood 'flowin! Unfortunately, the potential, self-soiling side effects of self tazing are not worth all the FUN!

A tazer can also be used as Party Favor if the game gets boring! (That's probably what the doofus who got busted at the Jets Game was thinking: How can I liven up the Big Game? I know, I'll bring my tazer.) Using a tazer as Party Favor at Lambeau Field would be interesting because of the Aluminum Bench Seats encircling the stadium. I don't know this for a fact, but I'm thinking ONE GOOD JOLT applied to the Aluminum Seats in Section A will be felt all the way around to Section Z! You wanna really get The Wave going?

Grabbing a Giant KILLbasa?
What else will the NFL/TSA feel us up for...Pepper Spray? (We usually keep that in the truck with our other spices and tailgating condiments.) Hand Warmers? Hot Water Bottles? Keilbasa 'KILL-basa? Explosives?

Outside the Aaron Rodgers-to-Greg Jennings variety, the only bombs Packer Fans toss are 'Ya-gee Bombs! The NFL will also have to give blood tests to determine just how many of those we're carrying - which would take way too long with 70,000+ JagerMeisters in the House! We'd have to get to Lambeau about 10 HOURS EARLY on Game Day...but, there's nothing at all unusual about that!

MOST fans bring a little flask of 'Jage-making materials into the game...it's part of the tradition; it's as much a part of the Game as a Bratwurst and Beer for God Sake. A half pint or two of 'Jage - or a little Schnapps or, whatever - can carry us through the long hours of sitting in the cold! And now that the NFL has ordered us to come WAY early so we can get grabbed and groped way before game time, we'll have to be packin a little extra 'somethin. If they want us to hang around the stadium THAT long, we're going to have to lug a couple of extra pints! No big deal.

Where the Sun doesn't shine?
We'll still be 'sneakin in Schnapps on Sunday. True, we'll have to be more clever with The Grabbers and Gropers going nuts on us, but we still have lots of places to hide our hooch - like Plaxico who hid his piece next to his piece! I doubt the GB Grabbers and Gropers are going to be going down there? On Gramma? Really? They won't be "adjusting" crotches like baseball players do, will they?

Whatever, we have our false bottoms in our Rabbit Fur and Coonskin hats; we have false bottoms in those foam CheeseHead Hats you see us wearing; we have many false bottoms among the layers (and layers) of clothing we wear. You'll have to have to be a pretty good "gooser" to feel a half pint of Schnapps down under all that goose down down there!

And what are they going to do with our boots? Take 'em off? We have strapped boots; buckles; snowmobile boots...it's hard enough to get them on BEFORE the game at home, much less at the gate. What about our Aaron Rodgers replica Championship Belts? Those come off, too?

Are we going to have to strip bare naked like the TSA requires - or can we keep our clothes ON until we get inside the stadium - as is our tradition on the tundra.

I wonder if the cops will get any special groping and grabbing training? (GBPD might have to hire specialists; moonlighting TSA agents.) And, let's just say there is a dispute = some cop is crossing the line with a frisky version of the pre-game "routine." Who'll be the arbitier of Illegal Use of Hands? Who'll call the Unnecessary Roughness? Who will admit to Excessive Celebration?

NFL: No Fun League?
I don't know. We're STILL going to have a lot of fun at the games (maybe MORE so with all the new, pre-game festivities! ;) Green Bay will still be a top destination for any football fan in the world; Lambeau Field will still be the BEST place to participate in a game.

And, while The Tundran People are conservative, gun-loving, and generally uncomfortable about being touched by strangers, they're still hands down, The Best People in the Whole Wide World to Party with Outdoors (indoors, too)! They'll roll with this punch, and figure out a way to make The Great GroupGrope part of the Grand Tradition that is Green Bay Football.

[I want to know what GBPD plans to do with all those contraband cheese curds they confiscate? They're not good the next day, ya know!]